Unclaimed Freight

I try to know a good deal when I see one and one came yesterday, in a letter from someone who works at the Atlanta airport in security. I figured that it must be legitimate because it wasn’t from Mrs. Dear Love in Nigeria, and Atlanta is practically in my backyard.

Plus, the guy almost gave his name (he said he couldn’t give his actual name but would if we became business partners) and he hardly had any spelling or grammatical errors in the email, so I continued to think (which can sometimes be dangerous) that he must’ve gone to public school as I did.

Then again, going to public school doesn’t necessarily mean that he can read and write. But he said that he’s at such a high level in his job, I figure that he may have a secretary who reads and writes for him.

I also figured that this kind of guy must be on the up and up because he sent his “IMPORTANT NOTICE” on email letterhead. And just wait until you hear the great percentage split to be partners that he offered!!

I know, I know you’re suspicious; but that’s just because the deal is only for me right now. I’m so sorry that it has to be that way but if this works out, don’t you worry. I’ll give him your name and email address so that you can be in on the next big unclaimed package deal with your name on it.

The reason things are going a little slow with us right now is because I’m trying to negotiate better terms. You see, he wants to give me a 70%-30% split and all I have to do is put up 30% so that I can show him good faith, and then I’ll get the 70% and he’ll keep the 30%.

Now I’m going to get back to him right away because he said the unclaimed package, specifically with my name on it, is not just waiting—but that it’s waiting this-very-minute-waiting—and if I don’t latch on to the offer right away someone famous (coming from the north he said) but couldn’t tell me who, would take it and I’ll never get to be in on this deal again!

If it’s someone famous from the north, I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s either Sergeant Preston of the Yukon or Sky King or, possibly, even Santa Claus.

But I’ve deduced that it’s probably Santa because Sgt. Preston is very busy keeping warm and cozy with his dog, King, and Sky King has a similar warm and cozy relationship with his niece and nephew.

So I’ll bet all of the contents of the unclaimed package, with my name on it, that it’s Santa. Because all he and Mrs. Claus do to stay warm and cozy is bake and eat while the elves do all of the work.

But being so almost sophisticatedly savvy about these important things, I do have a few questions for the alias guy, who is waiting with bated breath, for me to send the good faith money.

For example, if the package is unclaimed, who put my name on it? And, if my name is on it and this security (alias) guy has my email address, why does he need a copy of my driver’s license and Social Security number?

Maybe it’s because he works for security and he has to be really scrupulously suspicious of people, who he makes these once in a lifetime, once a month, offers to—but still—putting my best thinking cap on here, all of that is still kind of confusing to me.

Anyway, this guy seems so different… I dunno, I mean he is in security. Then again, maybe he’s just insecure. I know that I would be if I were surrounded by all of that unclaimed stuff with no one coming to get it and trying to find the right person to partner with.

So, because I really want to show the good faith he asked for, I’m going to put a note of good faith in my email that I’ll send back to him; along with a picture of the certifiable funds he wants. Then he can send me a token of good faith, and then I can send him an Atlanta bus token to get to my house from the airport.

I can hear you shouting STOP!!! NOOOO!!! DON’T DO IT!! IT’S A TRAP!! But, I know what I’m doing because of the trick I fell for with the Dear One Nigerian lady. And besides that disappointment, you don’t have to worry about me getting my hopes up again because I made the terms of the deal very clear to him.

Here’s the offer I posed:

If he, as the alias security person he obviously is, will send me the whole amount—to show his good faith—yes, I know you think we’ve already established that, but it doesn’t hurt to get more. I will fax him a check for 100% and, this is the brass ring of a steal he won’t be able to refuse, he can keep the unclaimed package too.

Photo by Jess Bailey on Unsplash