I have been struggling so much to get my mind right. It just seems like I can’t wrap my head around counting calories, or getting back to the gym, nothing seems to feel normal again. Over the holidays (Halloween, and Thanksgiving, so far… I haven’t even tried to weigh myself for DECEMBER) I’ve gained about 7lbs, which brings me up to a 23 lb gain of all that weight I lost, I CANNOT GAIN BACK THIS WEIGHT! (SO far…. as I am writing this it could be more.)
Why is this so hard this time, why can’t I just do it and stop putting this shit in my mouth?!
Last night I watched BEN-HUR, it’s the story of Judah and Messala, aside from it being an amazing movie, there was a part that really moved me. In the movie, Judah’s wife tells him, “You were given a second chance, but you’re nothing but still a slave if you spend it with so much hate.” It started to get me thinking, am I a slave? A slave to food, a slave to society, a slave to this body… is my quality of life really that great at this size?
I know I say I love myself, and I really do… but is this the right way to show love? Knowing that something is slowly killing you and just sitting there and letting it? There’s so much on my mind now. I know that I love myself, but I need to love myself enough to be honest that my weight is a problem and it needs to be addressed.