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Mars Is the Kind of Place to Raise Your Kids

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Just in time for the new school year, here’s an article on those lovely little creatures we call “children.” This, of course, is fiction. Or is it?

As an entertainer and WEB TV Series creator, I did an interview with a gentleman to find out about an interesting theory he had.  Sir Elton John once sang “Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids.” Well, according to Assistant Principal Gib Gerbner, Captain Fantastic got it wrong!

I’ve thought a lot about the song “Rocket Man” over the years and I asked myself, as well as Assistant Principal Gerbner, “Why? Why can’t they raise kids on Mars?” Mr. Gerbner started to get a little emotional, then continued. “After doing a lot of research and praying, I’m afraid Mars would be the perfect place for children to be schooled. For one thing, they would be very far from Earth and the bonuses don’t stop there.”

He and his wife of 37 years, who is a retired school teacher, have no children of their own, but have been looking at the Mars situation for many years.

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“Children would learn at an advanced rate there as the Martian environment would actually make them smarter. There would be no cell phones, TV, or Internet on Mars so all they would be able to do is to learn,” explained the drooling Assistant Principal, who will be retiring after this school year, he hopes.

“No one wants to be an Assistant Principal anymore, so they keep begging me to stay on. I do it for the… children? Yes, that’s it,” Gib said as he stared out at his front yard hopefully. “Think of how exciting it would be for them! They would catch all kinds of interesting new diseases. Perhaps sores on their arms that grow mouths and talk to them. Or maybe a cold that produces blue mucus. I get chills just thinking about it.”

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Gib wipes the sweat from his forehead and continues.

“You can’t sag your spacesuit on Mars, you’d be headed for a cosmic funeral.” Gib says in a very serious tone. “Here’s a scenario a lot of parents run into these days. Let’s say you have a daughter beginning to date. Now here comes her perspective suitor to your door with his pants waist down around his thighs, a tattoo of a misspelled word on his neck and a nail running straight through his nose. All you can think to yourself is, ‘If this kid can’t operate a belt and a pair of pants, he’s going to have a real problem figuring out how to use a condom.’ However!! If my program were in place, you could slam the door in his face, turn to your daughter and say, ‘You’re going to Mars!!!’ ”

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Gib claps his hands and laughs gleefully.

“Now, I realize that this could happen on Mars as well. But if your daughter did get pregnant on Mars, when she returns with the child, you tell her that she’s not raising a Martian baby in your house. What’s she going to do call you a ‘Martian-a-phobe?” Gib laughs again, then gets serious, “I’m joking of course, that would be your grand baby, but after five years or so guess what? Time for that Mars kindergarten, oh yeah!” Gib raises his fist in victory.

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“Yes, I’m afraid Elton dropped the ball on this one. Well, I’m off to prove that Saturday night is NOT alright for fighting, I’m thinking Thursday afternoon is the way to go. Later Honky Cat!” said Mr. Gerbner as he walked out of his house and locked me and my film crew inside.